Infertility

It was a snowy winter day when I stumbled across a post on social media.  A friend and sister from long ago posted a picture of a sonogram and above it were the words, “I’m so crafty, I made a baby!”  I hope you’ll forgive me when I tell you my first thought was not a nice one.  And when I realized my heart was being ugly, I tried to figure out why this seemingly sweet and exciting post was so hard for me.  Was I jealous?  My husband, Dan, and I had our two little bolts of light whom we loved and adored more than we ever knew we could. My family had ventured to Ethiopia to adopt our children.  I had certainly earned my motherhood “stripes”  having lived in Ethiopia with my own mother and two babies for five months.  It was an adventure, and I loved the way we were blessed to do it.  Truth be told, the thought of having another baby right then would have been terrifying.  No, the reason I was struggling so much was because of pride.  My good and godly sister was able to do something I never could, though I tried for many years - she made a baby.

You see, on that particular day I was lying in a hospital bed having just had eight cysts removed.  My body doesn’t make babies - only cysts.  In the weeks prior, my doctor had ironically explained my cysts by comparing them to fruit.  I was in Germany, and he amusingly described them this way in an effort to avoid using metric measurements which - as an American, I admit - I struggle with.  And so, he went on to explain that I had quite a few “ apples,” three or four “California oranges” - which are apparently bigger than regular oranges - and a “cantaloupe” all resting like little Russian nesting dolls inside my belly causing an enormous amount of pain.  A cantaloupe, I learned, is roughly 6 inches in diameter and about the size of an unborn baby at 34 weeks.  My doctor went on to tell me they would not only need to remove the “fruit” but the organs they were resting in as well.  And with that, he handed me the only printed sonogram I’ve ever received and sent me home to pack for the hospital.

My dear sisters, if you have struggled with infertility, you are not alone.  There are a lot of us!  Depending on where in the world you are, 10-25% of couples struggle with infertility.  I think back to when we were first told I would never be pregnant; a dear friend and sister reached out to me with her own infertility story to offer support and encouragement.  I will forever be grateful for her kindness, love, and willingness to be open with me about something so personal.  My purpose in writing is to hopefully reach out to other women the way she did for me all those years ago.   This is the blessing of sisterhood in Christ.  But we can also find a great deal of encouragement and - without a doubt - wisdom in the scriptures.  

Surprisingly, there are only seven (possibly eight) women in the bible who are called “barren.”  The most notable are: Sarah the mother of Isaac (Gen. 11:30),  Rebekah the mother of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:21), Rachel the mother of Joseph and Benjamin (Gen. 29:31), Manoah’s wife the mother of Samson (Jug. 13:2), Hannah the mother of Samuel (1 Sam. 1:2), and Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist (Lk. 1:7).  That’s right!  Almost every infertile woman mentioned in the scriptures ended up, not only having a child, but a son who would grow to lead God’s nation in some way.  

The other two possible examples are Michal and the Shunammite woman.  Michal, you’ll remember, was the daughter of King Saul and first wife of David.  We see in 2 Samuel 6, Michal publicly reprimanding her husband and king and being punished for her behavior.  The chapter closes in verse 23 with, “And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.”  Jewish tradition tells us that this meant Michal died in childbirth.  The Mishnah (the Jewish spoken law) is fairly intensive in describing the birth and baby.  While it is interesting and certainly possible, it is extra-biblical.  Many Christian scholars, on the other hand, believe that Michal was put away by King David, making abstinence the ultimate contraceptive.  Since it seems that her lack of children was a punishment in both cases, either theory would disqualify her from our discussion today.  We might also be able to add the Shunammite woman to the list from 2 Kings 4.  The scriptures say she had no son.  Whether that means she had no children or just no boys, there is no way to know.  However, for the sake of our argument, we will include her in our list and discuss her in a moment. 

Surely, as God’s people we understand that a woman’s spirituality and godliness is not directly tied to her ability to marry and bear children, for we have many faithful sisters who never marry or never have children.  But many times, this “idea” of a woman’s righteousness is expressed, even unknowingly among our brothers and sisters.  It is a lie, it is damaging, and it is not a Christian way of thinking.  I have seen strong, young Christian women lose their faith when their lives don’t fulfill the expectations others have wrongfully placed on them.  I’m reminded of the blind man healed by Jesus in the beginning of John 9: “As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.  And his disciples asked him, ’Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’  Jesus answered, ‘It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.’”  When my husband and I were in the thick of all this, having received our 15th negative pregnancy test result in a row, people would often ask things like, “Are you praying hard enough?” or  “Do you think God doesn’t trust you to be parents?” or, my personal favorite, “Do you think God knows you wouldn’t make a good mother?” Listen, people say insensitive things all the time trying to be helpful, and I am the queen of eating crow - truly there is no judgment here.  And just like the apostles, I think we all sometimes intend to be supportive while trying to understand the unfairness of this life.  Frankly, I do understand where this comes from. 

We see Hannah praying so fervently for a child that she is mistaken to be drunk (1 Sam. 1:9-18).  In Hebrews 11:11, we are told that, “By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.”  The Shunammite woman was given a son because of her kindness towards God’s prophet, Elisha (2 Kings 4: 8-17).  It is only logical to assume that it was these women’s faith, goodness, and godly prayers being heard that finally allowed for a child.  But that is earthly logic, and, just like the blind man, I would like to suggest that they were ultimately given children, not to show their righteousness, but that “God’s power might be displayed” in them!  Look at the story of the Shunammite woman.  This wealthy nameless servant of God was given a son as a “thank you,” from Elisha.  Further into the text, we see her son die in her arms only to be raised again by the very same prophet.  The gift from Elisha was not only the son, but the opportunity to witness God’s miraculous power twice!   For the six mothers listed above - God not only brought forth life where there was nothing, but He created mighty heroes for His people.  And while these women were godly; Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Samson, Samuel, and John the Baptist were all examples of God’s goodness, not their mothers’.  Just like the Shunammite son, they would be used to strengthen faith and be the example to which God was the only explanation!

And so, where does that leave us?  Many women struggle for years and are finally blessed with a child much later than they expected. Some choose fertility treatments, and others settle down and find contentment providing love and support to others raising children.  For Dan and me, our prayers were answered in adoption - and what a blessing it has been.  But whatever choice we make - or perhaps whatever choice is made for us - what binds us together is not infertility.  What binds me to you is the same thing that binds us to all our other brothers and sisters also: that is Christ!  “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28) And as a united people in Christ we are used to reveal God’s power to all - through time and space!  (1 Peter 1:10-12)

After self-examination and reflection - I realized that my own prideful heart was keeping me from congratulating a true friend and fellow mother in what is truly a modern-day miracle.  I prayed for forgiveness, counted my many blessings, and congratulated her with the click of a heart emoji.  And while my body will never make a baby - only cysts - it is merely an earthen vessel.  I am promised a new one in heaven anyway, along with my crafty sister, and together we have both been given a true spiritual identity in Christ - not as mothers, but as daughters and sisters.