Slow to Anger, Part 1

In Romans 14:19, Paul writes, “So then, let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” What if everyone I encountered today followed that law? What if at least I did? Why is peace so difficult to maintain?  Why are the people I care for the most often the hardest to get along with? What are we to do when we disagree?

Remember where we started in this series of articles; in seven days God created the world, proclaiming each phase of the creation to be “good.”  The first thing recognized as “not good” was “it is not good for the man to be alone,” and so God made Eve.  God made us to thrive in the relationships he established for us.  He gave laws to govern our relationships, and following these laws brings out the best in what these relationships have to offer.

For example, God declares husbands and wives must live as “one flesh” for life, he commands children to obey their parents, citizens to submit to governments, and Christians to remember that they are one body. God has given us all the resources we need to “live in harmony with one another” (Romans 12:16).  And yet, finding unity and harmony in our relationships presents an everyday struggle. James offers a simple but profound thought - “be quick to hear, slow to speak, [and] slow to anger” (James 1:19).

What is the conflict in our relationships? Anyone married will tell you that becoming one with your spouse comes with challenges. Parents and children are in a constant state of balancing parental control and children’s developing independence. Work and school relationships often bring out our competitive nature. Friendships are tested by selfishness.  Christians allow emotions to rule when disagreements arise and churches suffer.

My husband and I, deeply in love during our first few months of marriage, had quite an awakening when we approached our first holiday season together.  As we laid out our plans, things like what we would eat and how we would decorate, we clearly disagreed on many “traditions.”  We both showed some disdain for the other’s ideas about what was the “right” way to celebrate.  Although it’s a simplistic example and it makes for a funny story now, we both had to figure out how to create our own new traditions. But to do so, we had to learn to value each other’s ideas.

I have lived in New York City and its metro area for many years and have worshiped with three different congregations of the Lord’s body. In each, our church family has been composed of people from many nations who speak different languages and represent the full spectrum of education levels and financial status. We learned quickly that we can make no assumptions based on how things have always been done. We had to consider each other’s point of view, such as, when, where, and how often should we meet? How do we serve the elements of the Lord’s Supper? Which is more important - starting on time or waiting till we’re all gathered?

In truth, I consider the education I got from this experience a great blessing.  Oh, it’s been uncomfortable along the way, no doubt. It has meant conceding our own preferences and comfort levels. But over time, it’s helped me see value in perspectives that I was blind to before.

To value each other’s ideas, where do we start?  Paul tells us in Romans 12:3, “I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think.”  And in Philippians 2:3-4, Paul says we are to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” So, a humble heart is the foundation. I’m commanded to consider your interests and values as important as my own.  Here’s where the practice of being quick to listen and slow to speak can help us be slow to anger.

Sharon McMahon, author and educator, says, “Listening to understand does not obligate you to agree.” In a recent workshop with young women on improving our relationships, we had everyone participate in what we called “The Great Candy Debate.” It was an exercise in learning to understand someone else’s point of view.

In The Great Candy Debate, we chose three rather polarizing candies - candy corn, marshmallow peeps, and black licorice.  Each girl had to choose one candy she had strong feelings about, either positive or negative.  She had to partner with someone who disagreed.  Then one of the girls got the chance to speak their mind, speaking as passionately as she wished (while still being kind), and the other girl had to listen without being allowed to challenge.  At the end of the exercise, the listener had to be able to repeat back their partner’s point of view.  And then, of course we switched and repeated the scene.  It made for a lot of laughs, but everyone agreed that it was not so easy.  

The last task in the challenge was for the girls to look back at their own rationale and distinguish between the facts and the opinions they presented.  “Candy corn is gross and too sweet” is an opinion or personal value.  “Candy corn is very sweet” is a fact.  We need to accept facts as true, and learn that it’s our opinions and choices that can divide us.

Of course, intentionally, we chose a topic with little capacity to anger us.  In fact, I had to think long and hard to come up with a possible debate that didn’t have the potential to rouse emotions or challenge values about important things.  Most things we disagree on we understandably have strong feelings about, and often it involves our spiritual values. 

But what if we were capable and willing to listen to each other, carefully, and without challenge, just looking to understand each other’s point of view? What if I knew your “back story”, the emotions attached, the supporting facts?  What if, in the end, I still did not agree, but I stopped short of arguing with you, ridiculing you, or distancing myself from you? What if humbling my heart long enough to listen to you, allowed me to more easily relinquish my own choice in favor of yours?

In Romans 1 through 11, Paul writes a beautiful treatise on God’s plan to save us.  Chapter 12 begins with, “I appeal to you therefore,” and he begins a discourse on our life of service, primarily on how we interact with others.  He charges us to “present [our] bodies as a living sacrifice.”  Do I intend to sacrifice for Christ? Surely I do. But have I considered the personal sacrifice of living as part of a body and of submitting my will in my relationships?

Paul makes it clear that this is only possible through a renewal of the mind - a transformation from the thinking and behavior of the world. Families, friends, communities, and churches will never see eye to eye on every topic. But a transformation from selfishness and self-will to gratitude, love, humility, and respect for one another will cause us to pursue peace and to build each other up. We take comfort in the words of 2 Corinthians 13:11: “Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”